


Never Nateli

by Kila9Nishika



Series: Becoming [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: AU, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Re-Imagining of Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 16:42:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3657720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kila9Nishika/pseuds/Kila9Nishika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five steps to never being called Nateli again.</p><p>(Or, being misgendered is painful, and dealing with it is difficult.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Nateli

**Author's Note:**

> So...this was not the Star Wars fic that I was planning to start writing... I blame ALL MY FRIENDS. (Thank you, friends.)

**First Step - take a breath and find yourself.**

He’s six years old and hates his birthdays because the neighborhood gets together and Aunt shoves him into a frilly blue dress and gives him sewing sets and dolls.  It ends before sundown, with five crying children.  One of the neighbor kids has a bloody nose, and but he doesn’t care as he runs out of the house away from the party away from the farm away -

“Hello.”

He takes a gasping breath that is half sand and half snot because crying while sitting in the middle of a desert is _stupid_ , but the voice just waits, a few steps away.  He looks up, and its a human man, with shiny hair and gentle blue eyes.  He looks exactly like the type of person that Aunt and Uncle avoid, all ragged clothes and wrinkles.

“H’lo.”

The man shifts, and sits down beside him - which is weird, because grownups always crouch instead of sitting down, but he just sits in the sand like it’s nothing.  “Are you alright, youngling?”

He sniffs, and glares out from under his own ragged hair.  The sand around him is covered with bits and clumps where he had attempted to remove the awful braid that Aunt had given him, and he knows that he probably looks stupid (who tries to cut off their hair with a rock?) but he _doesn’t care_.

“My name is Ben, child.”  The man wasn’t going away, and now he introduced himself!  Reflexive manners learned from hours of Aunt’s scolding spurred words from his mouth.

“I’m Na-” he says, but the words choke in his throat, and an angry howl that has been building finally tears itself free.

“My name is _not_ Nateli!” he shouts, and he can feel the tears coming back even as he tries to stop the tide of words.  “My name’s _not_ Nateli, and I’m _not a girl!_ ”

Ben just sits, quietly, but he doesn’t say anything like what Aunt and Uncle say, he just waits.

Taking a breath, this time with less sand - “You’re not yelling.”

Ben smiles, faintly, and nods.  “If you are not a girl,” he says, “then you are not a girl.  Are you a boy, or something in-between, or not anything close?”

Startled - “What?”

Ben stands, and holds out a hand.  “It is growing dark,” he says, “and the desert is a cold place at night.  Would you like me to guide you home?”

“NO!”  He gasps, barely believing he said it, but now that the words are out, are free, they refuse to hide.  “No, they don’t believe me and they make me be a girl when I’m not, I’m a boy and I can’t go back, don’t make me go back, you can’t make me!”

Ben looks sad, but doesn’t shift.  “Then to my home, perhaps?  It is, after all, closer.  You _should_ , however, comm-call your family so there are no search parties sent out.”  An oversized (and ancient-looking) comm appeared in Ben’s hand.

Scowling, he takes the comm, punches in the number, and waits.  After a moment -

_“Nateli!”_

He flinches, and almost throws away the comm.  “‘S me,” he grumbles.  “‘M fine.”

“He’s with me, Beru.”  Ben leans forward so that the comm can pick up his voice.  “Ben Kenobi.”

_“Oh, thank you, Ben!  Has she gotten on one of her tantrums again?  Really, there’s no need to humor the poor girl -”_

“I shall refer to the child as the child wishes,” Ben interrupts, and his voice is slightly chilly, like the air is becoming as the second sun hides behind the hills.  “Is it alright if he stays with me for the night?  It is already dark.”

 _“Ah.”_  Aunt’s voice is shaky, and sounds surprised.   _“Of course, Ben.  I’ll see you in the morning.”_

“Until the morning,” Ben replies, still with that slightly cold voice.  He clicks off the comm.  “Child, is there a name you would prefer over Nateli?”

He gapes.  Nobody - no kid, no grownup, nobody - has ever even asked -

“Luke,” he says, his voice wobbling a little.  “I’m Luke.”

 

**Second Step - find a friend and hold them close.**

He’d managed to convince Aunt Beru that he _didn’t_ want a birthday party this year.  She was a little sad, but that was okay.  After all, she thought that he was doing _so much better_ , not a _single_ tantrum in _two years_.

It was his thirteenth birthday, and once he finished his chores, he had nineteen hours of free time.

He forced his way through cleaning, mending, checking the vaporators, and running errands, all without more than a tiny flinch at the name that he hated.  Aunt Beru thought that he had gotten _so mature_ , getting through all of his chores so quickly.

Aunt Beru knew that he liked to spend time on his own.  Aunt Beru didn’t know that his time was not spent alone.

“Ben!” he called, halfway through the collapsing gate that pretended to be the border of Ben Kenobi’s place.  “Are you home?”

A hoarse laugh answered him.  “Am I ever not home, Luke?”

Because this was what made his life worthwhile.  One person, _one person_ , who called him by name and treated him as the being he was.

“Well,” Luke drawled, pushing open the door.  “There was that time that you bought groceries, four years ago.  You know, before I did it for you.”

Ben looked up from his table, the remnants of a fierce scowl of concentration fading from his face.  “I keep reminding you that you needn’t do that, Luke.”

“And I keep doing it anyway.”  Luke wasn’t precisely sure _why_ Ben avoided all contact with living beings and droids at all costs, but as his only friend, Luke had decided to make Ben’s life just that little bit easier.

Ben shook his head.  “Never mind that.  And how is meditation going?”

Luke perched on a rough stool - when he had first begun visiting Ben, there had only been one chair.  Now, there was a chair, and a stool.  “Slowly.  I keep hearing whispery noises.”

“Oh?”

Luke rolled his eyes.  Ben Kenobi, monarchial ruler of the expressive sound.  “Lots of whispery noises, and weird dreams of fancy palaces when I’m asleep.”

Ben looked worried.  “If they begin to trouble you -”

“Then you’re right here, if I need to talk.  I know.”

Ben smiled.  “But there are other days for practice,” he said amusedly.  “Today is your birthday, Luke!”  He tapped a small datapad.  “Come, look.  I found something on the holonet.”

Luke leaned over warily.  The last thing that Ben had “found” on the holonet had been a cache of newsfeeds from the Clone Wars.  Luke was pretty sure that someone, at some point, had taught Ben how to hack through networks in a way that wasn’t supposed to be possible.

_ feelsafe.c644lotus.nab1net _

_Feel Safe in Your Body!  Created in 963 RR, Feel Safe is a health corporation dedicated to the mental and physical security of every being!_

Luke’s first reaction was disgust.  Ben had found some sort of secret advertisement for psychological health?  But then, he read further.

And further.

At some point, he took the datapad from Ben, and scrolled through the site himself.

The room had darkened considerably by the time Luke looked up.  One of the suns had gone down.  Ben had deserted his chair for the floor, and was meditating.

Luke closed his eyes, and stretched out that filmy little sense in his mind that Ben was slowly teaching him to recognize.   _Ben?_

Ben opened his eyes.  “A good birthday present?”

Luke thought of the hidden datasite, filled with information for _people like him_ , and with a program to help him with all of the aspects that still felt _wrong_ , only a couple days’ flight away from Tatooine.

“The best.”

 

**Third Step - dream.**

The universe was full of possibility.  Luke knew that.  As Ben taught him more and more about the Force, (about _himself_ ,) he became more and more aware of the fluidity of possibility.

In some possibility, he was born in a way that everyone knew that he was a boy.  Following that possibility to its end, he made friends with Janek Sunber and Biggs Darklighter, grew restless but never rebellious, and only ever met Ben more than briefly when his friends had deserted him and a pair of droids came to the farm carrying his destiny.

In some other possibility, he was _actually_ a girl, not just thought a girl by almost everyone.  Following that possibility to its end, she clashed with Janek Sunber, befriended Biggs Darklighter, and met Ben when she was fifteen and restless and not yet ready to pay attention to an aging hermit.  She ignored old Ben Kenobi until a pair of droids crashed into her speeder and introduced her to the idea of a greater universe.

In another possibility, his twin sister was on Tatooine as well, passionate and impetuous.  Luke and Leia, and Ben was always in the shadows, waiting and watching, until Leia confronted him and demanded answers after their fourteenth birthday.  When the droids were captured by Jawas five years later, Luke and Leia had been training for all five of those years, and were ready for their destiny to draw them out...

And another -

Nateli and Leia, they were always called, and it was intense little Leia who stood up for her quieter brother and demanded that all refer to _him_ by _his_ name, which was _Luke_ , in case nobody was listening.  It was _their_ birthday party, so Luke never fled, and they only met Ben when they were thirteen and Leia had just punched Janek Sunber in the nose.  When the droids came, Leia insisted that they go rescue the young Senator, while Luke meditated and voiced words of caution - but they still followed their path...

And another -

He was brought up on Alderaan, adopted son of Bail and Breha Organa, highly educated and willing to step out of his comfort zone for the rights of others.  Introduced to the Rebellion as soon as he could keep his mouth shut, and captured by an Imperial ship on his way back from the Feel Safe Center on Naboo when he was nineteen.  He sent out the droids in an escape pod, knowing that they would reach the General of legend, and somehow knowing that they would reach his imaginary sibling, who lived on a desert planet in his dreams…

And another -

He was born in a way that everyone knew that he was a boy, and was the adopted son of Bail and Breha Organa.  He took an interest in politics as soon as he could read, and took a position in politics as soon as it was legal.  He fought with all of his heart for those beings who needed it, and quietly supported the Rebellion beside the only father he had ever known.  When his ship was attacked on the barest edges of a Mid Rim sector, in a place that he had only visited for reasons of revolt against the Empire, he sent out his loyal droids, the droids he had known since childhood, knowing that they would reach the General of legend, and somehow knowing that they would reach his imaginary sibling, who lived on a desert planet in his dreams…

And yet -

In _this_ possibility, the reality in which _he_ lived, Luke had learned the power of patience from his first months of study with Ben.  He had chafed against his family, even as he loved them, and he had dreamed about the life of his sister, somewhere far away.  He had practiced meditation and balance and awareness, and had found support in the one being who acknowledged who he truly was.  He was nineteen years old, two months away from being old enough to leave his Aunt and Uncle’s farm, when Uncle Owen brought home two new droids.

His destiny had arrived.

 

**Fourth Step - listen to the Force.**

The moment that the little droid had revealed that it belonged to “Obi-Wan Kenobi,” Luke had dragged both droids to Ben’s house.

“Ben!”

Ben, who had been doing _something_ on the holonet, looked up.  “Yes?  Luke, what - is that R2-D2?”

“You _do_ know him!” Luke exclaimed, relieved.  The droid made a pleased little chirping noise, and the humanoid-shaped droid which had followed (who had introduced himself as C-3PO) huffed.  

“Well of _course_ we know Master Kenobi!  He was -”

R2-D2 made a loud (and slightly rude) noise, cutting C-3PO off.  Immediately, the golden droid redirected his attention towards his more belligerent partner.  “What do you _mean_ -”

Ben laughed.  “Still the same as ever, I see.  What is the problem?”

Luke tapped R2-D2.  “The feeling.  That something was coming.  I think that it’s today.  The message that R2-D2 has - it’s Leia.”

Ben straightened, flinching slightly as he did so.  Luke watched him worriedly.  For a Core-Standard humanoid man of only fifty-seven years of age, Ben was _not_ well.

R2-D2 played the recording that Leia had given him, but Luke barely listened.  He had heard it thrice before, at this point, and was more concerned with feeling what the Force had to say about the situation.

Ben played the recording twice, and nodded sharply.  “You are right, Luke.  Get the lightsabers?”

Luke dashed across the room, lectures about frivolous uses of the Force ringing in his head as he did so.  Ben pulled out his (ancient) comm, and called the farm.  “Owen?”

_“What?”_

“The time has come, my friend.  You may wish to leave, before Imperial soldiers track you and Beru down.”

 _“We’re leaving.”_  There was a moment’s pause, and then Uncle Owen spoke up again.   _Uncle Owen_ , Luke’s taciturn uncle who had barely spoken twenty words to him in all nineteen years and eight months of Luke’s _life_.

_“Tell Luke...stay safe.”_

The comm cut out, but Luke couldn’t stop a small lump from growing in his throat.  “He said-”

Ben nodded, his eyes kind.  “He did,” he agreed.  “But we must move quickly, Luke.  Go ahead and choose our ride?”

Luke frowned.  “What about judicious uses of the Force?”

Ben smiled, and for the first time in years, he looked more like a man in his fifties than a man in his eighties.  “ _Run_ , Luke.”

Luke _ran_ , touching the Force and letting the scenery blur as space seemed to shorten between Ben’s old house and the nearest spaceport.  Even as he slowed a safe distance away, he didn’t let go of the Force, looking about the ‘port for the right path.  It was time to put Ben’s many stories to use.

 

**Fifth Step - keep moving.**

When the Force shuddered with the deaths of thousands, Luke had a moment of panic.  While he knew that Ben was ready for death, that didn’t mean that _he_ was ready for Ben to die!  But Ben weathered the shockwave with the incredible serenity earned from years in the desert, and Luke relaxed enough to ask -

“What was that, Ben?”

Captain Solo looked up from cleaning one of his blasters to shoot a narrow-eyed look at them.  Ever since they had boarded the ship, Solo had been acting strange.  Oddly enough, not around Luke, (which he had expected, since no amount of short hair, coveralls, and binders could hide the “gifts” of nature,) but around Ben.

“Death…” Ben sounded breathless.  “Like on that day, so many years ago...like a whole planet of people, crying out -”

“Nineteen years and nine months ago?” Solo interjected, his eyes sharp.  “You’re the -”

To Luke’s surprise, Chewbacca interrupted before the Captain could finish.  [Not here, Han!  Not unless you’re sure!]

Solo scowled.  “It’s _my_ ship, Chewie, and there ain’t no listenin’ devices on it!”

“You’re correct,” Ben said, quietly.  “Although, honestly, I am surprised that either of you recognized me.”

Chewbacca swiped an arm through the holographic chess game that he was ‘playing’ with C-3PO and R2-D2.  [After what we went through during the wars?  I’m surprised you thought I _wouldn’t_ recognize you!]

Ben winced.  “Well, yes.  And you, Captain Solo?”

Luke ran through his memories of Ben’s stories while Captain Solo drawled out something filled with half-truths and may-bes.  Chewbacca… the Wookiee that he had met on Alaris Prime, with Master Qui-Gon.

With that thought, even as every plan collapsed into pieces and they ended up on a massive _space station_ that looked like a _moon_ , Han Solo and Chewbacca entered the realm of good-friends-to-be.  They may not know Luke Skywalker yet, but they would be his friends - someday.  If Ben and his old Master had trusted Chewbacca, and Chewbacca trusted Han Solo, then they were trustworthy.

It was too bad that his first meeting with his sister didn’t go nearly as well.  Luke was aware that she had to be upset - her home planet has just been destroyed, and she had been Darth Vader’s prisoner for _days_ \- but her sarcastic quips and irritated remarks did _not_ make escaping the innumerable soldiers any easier.

Nor did it make the constant pressure from the Force any easier.  Something enormous was about to happen, something that would change everything, and Luke was so busy mediating between an irritated Han Solo and a cross Leia Organa that he couldn’t -

They got into the containing area, Han grumbling the whole time about hoping that Ben had disabled the tractor beam, when a sound met Luke’s ears that made the whispers of doom from the Force seem like screams.

“Run!” he shouted, shoving Leia and Han towards the _Millenium Falcon_.  When neither of them, _or_ Chewbacca and the droids, seemed about to move, Luke overwhelmed his personal qualms and _shoved_ at them with the Force.  “ _GO!_ ”

They went.

Luke drew his own lightsaber, and prepared to enter the fight, only to freeze.

 _Run, Luke!_ Ben’s voice breathed through his mind, echoing through the Force.   _It is my time, allow me this.  Run!_

Luke couldn’t move, couldn’t tear his eyes from the duel, couldn’t _breathe_ as Ben -

Stopped fighting -

Smiled -

 _May the Force be with you, Luke Skywalker_.

And vanished, Darth Vader’s lightsaber sweeping through his empty robes moments later.

“ _BEN!_ ” Luke screamed.  His only friend, his only support, the only person who had ever _cared_ -

_Run, Luke!_

_There is no death, there is only the Force._

_I will always be with you._

Luke blinked away tears - and ran.

As the _Millenium Falcon_ tore out of the space station, Luke meditated, forcing himself to deal with the torrent of emotions which had been born of Ben’s death.

Ben would always be with him, through the Force, but it was still going to be difficult to live without his _physical_ presence.

Life _would_ go on, and Luke would live up to Ben’s dreams of training a new Order of Jedi.

He would deal with things as they came, and commune with Ben through the Force.

Ben would always be with him.

He could keep moving.

He pulled himself slowly from meditation, listening absently to Leia and Han shout at each other, when -

A stray thought -

Darth Vader thought that he had finally killed the last Jedi.

Luke would live up to Ben’s belief - and prove Darth Vader wrong.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Incidentally, Nateli also means light. (Just like the name Luke.)


End file.
